Friday, January 19, 2007.

8:04 PM
LOVES.

maybe i should.

maybe fir is right. i should make a move. i lack of confidence. i dun have the confidence in myself cause im not a attractive girl, unlike the rest. he might even reject being my friend.

i lack confidence in everything, i guess. looks, size, homework, project and everything. i cant even decide on where to eat yesterday! sometimes i wonder, am i acting like im confident or that is just another side of me that has yet to be shown to the world?

edmund told me that im a confident woman who jokes around with my looks and size. a confident woman who isnt afraid to pin out my own mistakes and laugh at it. a confident woman who does presentations confidently since young.
but i wonder. does all these prove that im a confident woman? i once thought that being able to do all these, makes me a confident woman. but im wrong.

a confident woman is like, someone who isnt afraid to voice out her thoughts and not worrying bout hurting the others.
a confident woman is able to joke bout her looks and size. although i do, i sometimes do feel shameful bout them.
a confident woman has tons of friends who cares bout her. unlike me.
a confident woman stands out in crowds, but i dont.
a confident woman shines with colour even though she might not be as pretty as the rest, but i dont.
a confident woman is able to think of methods that will allow her to know the man that she likes, but im scared.

im scared of rejection. im scared of being embarressed. im scared. im simply a scaredy cat. im scared of everything !

he looks perfect to me. a man who isnt short of anything. whereas me, im short of everything. i have friends who live in their own world, only remembering me when no one is there for them. the rest, hi-bye friends. gosh. dont i sound pathetic? well, i am. i doubt anyone remembers me when i die. i wonder how many of them will even come to my funeral? or worse, cry?

i live in my own world sometimes. my dark lil planet that only has me and my imaginary friend. i talk to her bout everything. what happen everyday, who disturbed me or made me happy. she knows me better than everyone. well, at least she doesnt forgets bout me, unlike the rest.

fir is a good friend too. he encouraged me to make the first move. but still fir, i cant. i seriously cant. =(



true love doesnt exist. if it does, prove it to me.